I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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