I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My feet surprised me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize