I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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