totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
