My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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