If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
