It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
