Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize