it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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