So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
