I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
