Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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