I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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