Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
