So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
