My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
