I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
