matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
