so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
