ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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