If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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