my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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