If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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