You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
