So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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