I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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