"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your cock deserves a montage
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
