oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
