remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
