i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
