im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
