Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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