I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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