No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
