someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
third nipple confirmed
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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