She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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