I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
