Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
