Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
