I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
