Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
