Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
