So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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