If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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