Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
