Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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