My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
