i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
