My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
