she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
