She is in my trunk
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
COCAINE IS GR8
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
