My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize