you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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