I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
