Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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