i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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