My Higher Power is John Stamos
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
