Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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