Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
