Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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