You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
