if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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