The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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